I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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