he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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