Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
