God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
