I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
