When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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