Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
