He asked to "fluff my boner.."
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
