just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
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How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
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I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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