Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
