Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
