omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
