My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
