he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
