tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
