He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
