bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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