Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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