He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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