Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
