I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
What changed your mind?
Being sober
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
