I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I still have a little drunk in my system
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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