if i died would you start the facebook group?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
