Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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