Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
