You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
