After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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