How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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