I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
from now on my penis is your penis
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
