My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
