I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Let's get the cat blown out
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize