Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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