she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Come see our sink grown plant.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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