Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
