WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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