dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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