Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
