so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
