i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
