I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Just puked most of my soul out..
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
