I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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