"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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