i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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