He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
