He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
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