I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
