textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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