Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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