I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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