New invention idea: vibrating tampons
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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