I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
