Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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