Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
