I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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