i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
What drink are we having for lunch?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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