Where is the hickey?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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