You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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