sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
