Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i already hear my dad disowning me
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
